Stress, more documents and Teddy Roosevelt

Yesterday, I received two documents in the mail: my mom’s birth certificate and my parents’ marriage certificate. I will not, however, post JPEGs of them for their sake. They’re not 140-year-old Luxembourg natives, like my great-great-grandparents, who have both been dead for more than 50 years. They’re alive and well, so I’d like to keep their personal information private.

Other than yesterday’s delivery, there have been no other exciting developments for my dual-citizenship project. Instead, I’m reading a lot; I just started the first book of Edmund Morris’ trilogy on one of my favorite presidents, Theodore Roosevelt. I’ve also been focusing full force on getting a job, as I have for the past three months. It’s been frustrating, no doubt, and the selection process can be willy-nilly and nonsensical. The stress of job hunting can be overwhelming, too, but I’ve written a list of 26 things I do, and you can do, too, to de-stress.

  1. Speed down I-90, either south to Chicago or north to Wisconsin, while blasting the theme from Star Wars.
  2. Write a short story within the duration of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture. Usually my stories end with the main character regretting that he or she invaded Russia in the winter.
  3. Play Bob Ross videos. If I were President or Sec. of State, I would gather all the world leaders in one giant convention center and play a Youtube playlist of of Bob Ross on a giant projection screen. Then we would finally be at peace, and we would also know how to paint trees and mountains and clouds.
  4. Watch stand-up comedy. My current favorites: Louis C.K.Robin Williams and Billy Connolly.
  5. Search for Hillary Clinton gifs.
  6. Bike 25 miles.
  7. Drink tea, milk or coffee with the best-looking dessert you’ve seen in a long time.
  8. Realize that, yes, everyone on Facebook, no matter how much you love them, is a moron when they’re on Facebook.
  9. Also remember that all your friends on Tumblr are wonderful and creative and ten times better than everyone on Facebook.
  10. Blast Gustav Mahler symphonies in your car while the windows are down in a affluent part of town that’s full of snobs — Mahler 7 is the best way to annoy people when they’re trying to enjoy their gossip, pool-boy affairs and dinner parties.
  11. Print out small pictures of people who frustrate you and tape them onto golf balls at the driving range.
  12. Make an epic sandwich, eat it and wash it down with your favorite soda pop.
  13. Plot the usurpation of Sleepy Hollow’s Board of Trustees.
  14. Read the Book of Revelations after four glasses of wine.
  15. Don’t read any news about the euro crisis. Just don’t. Trust me. Stay away from that nonsense. It’ll torture you as it has tormented me every day since I enrolled in that Political Systems of the EU class at Mizzou.
  16. Send an email to an old friend or relative.
  17. Write a letter to a company, organization or politician that you really like and hope that you get some free stuff for doing it.
  18.  Order Chinese food. Eat as much as your stomach can hold. Have no regrets. 
  19. Compose a cover letter in which you refer to yourself to the Zuul the Gatekeeper.
  20. Be less materialistic.
  21. Change all your language settings on your phone, social media accounts and email to “German.”
  22. Drive 10 mph under the speed limit in traffic. Causing others anxiety can be very therapeutic. It’s like you’re taking all the stress and handing it off to them.
  23. Be thankful you’re not a beige and make fun of them (definition 1).
  24. Read a book about someone you admire.
  25. Confuse people on Facebook by posting pictures and statues but changing the “location” from your hometown to Dubai, Tehran, Pyongyang or Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.
  26. Listen to Voldemort laugh for 10 hours and 36 seconds.
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