Barack Obama is not American … HE’S FROM LUXEMBOURG.

To Donald Trump and all the birthers out there: I have startling information that will surely shake the foundations of American democracy. The lie that Barack Hussein Obama has perpetrated to the American people is equivalent to stomping on, spitting at and lighting ablaze the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Bill of Rights and the Contract with America.

Exhibit A: Barack Obama’s ubiquitous campaign bumper sticker.

Now, for the image that will inevitably compel you to compose mean-spirited, poorly written, overtly racist letters to your representatives.

Exhibit B: The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg’s flag.

And we thought he was an America-hating Muslim who miraculously believes in fascism, communism and socialism, all of which differ greatly from one another. America, we’ve been duped by the Commander-in-Lies!

This revelation came to a very dehydrated me after I had already ridden 12.5 miles on my bike in the 90-degree weather. I saw the bumper sticker on the back of a small SUV, and I said: Oh my god. Dan Brown ain’t got nothin’ on my conspiracy-making skills.

Anyway, I rode 12.5 miles to South Elgin, which required riding my bike 12.5 miles back to my house for a total of 25 miles. On the way, I saw:

Rapunzel’s tower, conveniently located on the Fox River Bike Trail.


If you’re sweltering in the summer heat, why not park your bike and lose a few grand at the Grand Victoria Casino on the bike path?

When the sun hits the polluted Fox River, the water sparkles like emeralds in a museum display case.

I felt like being a bad-ass, so I went under a chained rope with signs attached to it that read: TRAIL CLOSED. I finally approached the image above, which is of a large chunk of trail that had eroded into a tributary of the Fox. I crossed the bridge anyway.

All in all, it was a nice ride. I felt like I was going to die afterward, though.

I also played one of the most intense games of RISK yesterday, and I had a job interview this morning. It has been quite an eventful week.

I need to write more about Luxembourg. After all, this blog focuses on obtaining Luxembourg dual-citizenship and learning about the Grand Duchy’s culture. Unfortunately, the current stage of the application process is rather boring. I’ve explained this in previous posts, but I’ll elaborate once more.

In order to apply for dual-citizenship, I need birth, marriage and, if applicable, death certificates from the line of relatives that connects me to my great-great-grandparents, both of whom were born in Luxembourg. With the much needed assistance of Sarah Sontag — who is currently in the mountains near Lyon, France, with a broken laptop charger — and my Aunt Mary Lou, I discovered the locations of my great-great-grandparents’ birth certificates and obtained notarized copies of each par avion. 

Now I need to acquire all documents from Cook County, where most of the generations of Eischens before me were born, married and died. For the next few weeks, I will send in a records request, wait for about a week and then open a letter from the Cook County Vital Records office and hope that the genealogy department found all the documents I need. As to not inundate the Vital Records office with one massive request of everyone’s vital records, I’m requesting records for one relative at a time. Once I’ve finished a few more job applications today, I will complete all the records request forms and put them in envelopes; this way I’ll be ready to send out the next request when I receive documents for my pending request. After great-great-grandma Susanna Schmitz’s vital records came in the mail, I sent out a request for my great-great-grandpa Albert Francis Eischen’s records. I expect it will arrive on Friday of next week, perhaps the following Monday. When it does, it’s my great-grandma Theresa Eischen née Pinnel’s turn.

We shall see how this search for documents unfolds. While the poor bastards at the Cook County Vital Records office groan at the sight of my weekly letters, I’ll blog about some other Luxembourg-related stuff.



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