Oh look, it’s the athletes from Luxembourg.

Bob Costas’ commentary on Luxembourg made me throw up in my mouth a little. This isn’t verbatim, but he said: “It’s called the Grand Duchy of Luxembourg, so shouldn’t it be in the Gs and not the Ls?”

… shut up, Bob Costas. You didn’t point out that South Korea should be with the “Ss” instead of the “Ks.”

In fact, most of the NBC commentary was annoying. From Matt Lauer calling one part “creepy,” to another instance in which Meredith and Matt didn’t know who Tim Berners-Lee was, I scrambled to find a button on my remote labeled, “Shut up the annoying NBC commentary.”

And instead of showing a memorial tribute to the victims of the 7/7 terrorist attacks, NBC replaced the segment with an interview between Michael Phelps and Ryan Seacrest. Now I know why Phelps barely qualified for the 400m today — he still felt sick from having to sit so close to Ryan Seacrest.

Had I been in charge at NBC, I would’ve replaced Matt, Meredith, Bob and Ryan with a liquored-up Maggie Smith, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Fry and Michael Caine.

But everything else about the ceremonies was amazing. Sure, the Brits couldn’t utilize millions of slave laborers to make a bunch of boxes go up and down. But instead of spending hours on chereographing dancing boxes, violating human rights and planning Kim Jong-Il-style spectacles, Danny Boyle and Co. focused on British humor, intellect and music, of which I am much appreciative.

Boyle also scared the sh!t out of every child in the world with a 100-ft. Voldemort and a nearby Queen of Hearts. Thank god a brigade of Mary Poppinses parachuted via umbrellas from the sky to pummel these classic British villains.

“As inspiring as I find your bloodlust Bellatrix, I must be the one to kill Harry Potter.”

This made me crack up:

But this stole the show, and I couldn’t stop laughing:

God save the Queen. May she have many more years to jump out of helicopters with Daniel Craig.

Some people thought the opening ceremonies were boring. Their complaints remind me of a time when I attempted to watch episodes of Monty Python’s Flying Circus with friends, who, for some reason, thought they loved the brilliant humor of Monty Python. For at least an hour, I cried with laugher while the rest of the room, with the exception of one other British-humor enthusiast, sat with vapid stares. Being in a room with people who can’t laugh at Monty Python?

There is no greater hell.

But I’m an anglophile, so my assessment is extremely biased. If you didn’t like it, then you didn’t like it. There’s no problem with that.

Lastly, I think this post on Tumblr best sums up the crazy awesomeness of the opening ceremonies:

Whoever wrote this, bravo.

Anyway, time for a rundown of where I am with my dual-citizenship project.

I went to the Cook County Vital Records Office on Wednesday.

My reaction to the attendant at the desk:

First, she didn’t know what she was doing. Second, she couldn’t stop laughing when I told her I was from Sleepy Hollow, Ill., which really irks me. Third, she didn’t know anything about what I needed.

I purchased $33.25 in record requests, which only comes out to one marriage certificate and one death certificate (Susanna’s stuff). Because these are merely requests, the department cannot guarantee that the records will be found. Thus, my purchase is nonrefundable.

On the Metra home, I finally received an email response to an inquiry I made with the Illinois Department of Vital Records. Apparently the records I requested in Cook County are “genealogical,” which are not certified by the County or State. I cannot have the genealogical document certified, either.

Then what the hell am I supposed to do!?

Finally someone clarified that when I send in a request for vital records in the mail, I need to specify the reason why I’m filing the request. When I send in a letter to the Cook County Vital Records Office, I need to write, “Hey, I need certified copies of my relatives records because I’m becoming a dual-citizen.”

I’m going to try it out with my Great-grandpa Al F. Eischen’s birth, marriage and death certificates.

This process won’t be easy. In fact, finding a 140-year-old birth certificate from a small town in Luxembourg proved to be the easiest task yet. Now I have a bigger beast to battle, one that is relentlessly corrupt, inefficient and nonsensical. If I can defeat Illinois government, I can surely become a Luxembourger.


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